The Challenge of Realistic Expectations in Parenting
by Betsy Bass
It was a warm, summer day and we had just been seated for lunch on a lovely little terrace overlooking the golden hills and silver- green olive trees of Monticchiello, in the Tuscany region of Italy. Next to us , quite close, were a mother, father and young child of about 4. Although I tried to be completely absorbed in our own private conversation, I could not help but be intrigued by the drama that was unfolding How often do we watch other people mirror our own difficulties? Of course, it is always easier to know what to do when we are not personally involved and have a broader and more detached perspective.
Clearly, this was a challenging situation for both the child and his parents. It is important for parents to have reasonable expectations for their children and to also have some understanding of normal child development. This information helps parents plan activities which are less stressful for everyone. To expect a 4 year old to sit quietly and patiently for 45 minutes when he is hungry is fairly unreasonable. When parents are armed with the knowledge of what their child can handle, and they are prepared to creatively engage their child, then magic can happen.
When the mother spoke to her 4 year old son in a positive, enthusiastic voice, asking him interesting questions, he became very engaged and cooperative. Soon, the father took the mother’s lead, and asked his son to imagine being a “space man” and ‘what would he like about that?’ When parents tap into their children’s imagination, the children feel cherished and listened to which builds good rapport.. A playful attitude with children also allows adults to have more fun and to be looking for what the child is doing right rather than what he is doing wrong.
Unfortunately, the father in the story struggled mightily with just enjoying his son.and was constantly correcting his behavior and berating him. When parents make empty threats and never carry through on whatever they claim they are going to do, then children learn that their parents do not really mean what they say., so children learn to tune their parents out. It is appropriate and important for parents to limit behaviors that they find unacceptable, but it is important not to shame the child so much and be so negative.
One thing that really helps parents is to have a conversation with children before they engage in an activity or go somewhere which might require a certain type of behavior. In the case of the extended- lunch- on -the –Tuscany- terrace, the parents could have explained that since they were traveling in a foreign country, eating at a restaurant in Italy would be different from eating at their home or even at a restaurant in their own country. They could have asked the child to play a game with them and notice some of the similarities or differences.
When parents are going somewhere and they do not know how long they might have to wait for a meal or an activity to begin, they can also suggest that children bring paper and crayons or pens for drawing. or books to read together. It is helpful if parents plan for quiet activities which would also be intriguing to children such as a game with cards or something that the parent and children could make up together.
As parents help their children anticipate things, children are much better able to accommodate and adjust when they are presented with something new or different, and children build their resiliency, which is so important for their healthy development and happiness as adults. When children are flexible and adaptable, everybody wins. And when parents have a positive, playful attitude and bring out the best in themselves and their children, even long lunches in Tuscany can be fun.